Searching For Series
by mutant
Summary: A BX series, look away now.... :)
1. Clarity

Clarity -  
  
A one part piece of fanfic based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
  
By Michael Dunbar  
  
-  
  
The red trickle ran around the inside of the basin and combined with the swirl of water as the sink emptied itself, leaving a red smear around the rusty plug hole.  
  
The bandage was tightened and the painkillers had already started to work their magic as his head throbbed less and his eyes seemed to regain some sort of focus. Finishing the bandage off he reclined and his back hit the cistern as he let out an audible groan.  
  
He crunched down on two more painkillers.  
  
They seemed to work less and less these days. This in turn led to him taking more than he probably should, just to ease the pain for a while.  
  
Thinking about staying put was an option he often entertained, just stay there and don't move. The world will pass you by whether you want it to or not.  
  
Alexander Harris was never one to do what he wanted; his life always involved somebody else more important. The pain in his wrist was already gone, the last collection of painkillers working the magic he craved so much, just to get rid of all his hurts.  
  
The shirt he had pulled from his back lay bloody on the bathroom floor, a testament to the night he had just endured. It was soon placed in the waste paper bin, buried under the many bathroom waste products that had already endured a safe place within its confines.  
  
More cuts and pains than he was used to.  
  
That's for sure.  
  
Easing himself from his seat he stood, surprisingly to even him, and reached for the door handle.  
  
He never made it.  
  
The last thing he saw was the floor as his head thudded against its dull and reddened surface.  
  
-  
  
Buffy Summers had never been as angry in her life as she was at the present moment. She didn't know why she was angry but she definitely was. It was almost palatable as she stormed towards her destination, people moved out of her way visibly as they saw her face set in stone.  
  
An almost aura of red unadulterated anger seeped from her every pore with each individual step she took. Her hands shaking as she was getting prepared for the confrontation ahead.  
  
She was a slayer, one of the best in history. Slaying a seven foot Gnorkath demon with claws as sharp as any ginzu knife wouldn't even make her bat an eye, yet a confrontation with one of her best friends was something even she feared.  
  
Buffy knew what confrontation could lead to.  
  
She knew all too well.  
  
Interventions never seemed to go down well in her collection of friends, even if they were for the better.  
  
The past had a funny way of trying to teach you, but in the end you had to walk the path even if it meant going against everything you had learnt.  
  
He wouldn't even talk to Willow and that was a bad sign.  
  
Buffy knew the only way to find the solution was an all out shouting match, even if it meant their friendship. She couldn't live without it, of that she was sure. But knowing something is wrong with her friend and not doing anything wasn't her style and for that she could possibly pay the ultimate price.  
  
Three whole weeks he hadn't been really speaking to any of them, Buffy knew she hadn't done anything.  
  
Anything she could think of at least.  
  
Willow thought the same.  
  
Yet here it was.  
  
Every time the group of friends met there was a thick fog of tension in the air that nothing could clear. On some occasions you could almost taste it and nobody knew why.  
  
Except one person.  
  
And he wasn't speaking.  
  
Buffy had decided that it was time. The air needed to be clear and she would do it tonight.  
  
After the slaying last night he had left without a word, just disappearing into the night like some of the very things they hunted.  
  
So now she was determined, times would finally be good again.  
  
They would be the scoobies again hopefully, even if it meant her voice would be gone for a day or two.  
  
A small price to pay for a person she loved.  
  
-  
  
Knock.... Knock.... Knock...  
  
Seven times she rapped that wooden door and still no answer.  
  
His car was still in the parking lot and seemed to have been there most of the night, the engine freezing cold under the hood.  
  
Buffy tried the door handle and to her surprise the door gave way.  
  
Xander's apartment was baked in sunlight gleaming in through the window in the living room and spreading out in a display of rainbow-esque beauty as the light seemed to seep into every nook and cranny appearing to scare away the dark.  
  
She stepped lightly, not making a murmur.  
  
"Xander..."  
  
No answer to her call.  
  
Her nerves tingled; she was on edge and getting more worried by the minute.  
  
"Xander..."  
  
Louder this time, more brash and rushed.  
  
Her heart started to pound in her chest as she rushed from room to room.  
  
She was looking for one small sign of her friends, anything.  
  
"XANDER..."  
  
Her voice was loud and unwavering, a sign of absolute fear and dread creeping through her very being.  
  
Then she spotted it.  
  
A red liquid was oozing under the bathroom door. Buffy could smell it as she crept forward. Something she had smelled too many times before and it still managed to make her sick to the stomach each time despite her job.  
  
It made her sick more so now than she was ever before in her life.  
  
Hand outstretched.  
  
Could she do it?  
  
She had to  
  
There was nobody else, no one else to call or help.  
  
Just her  
  
Her and the door  
  
The handle twisted and the door opened slightly.  
  
The first thing she saw was his pale skin and his dark matted hair, then she noticed the wound and the blood.  
  
So much blood.  
  
Buffy the friend.  
  
Buffy the person who cared more about this person than any other.  
  
Buffy the hero  
  
All three almost screamed right out and the only reason she didn't, the only thing that stopped her was one single sound.  
  
One single sound that was keeping her sane in this crazy world.  
  
Thump...  
  
Thump...  
  
Thump...  
  
His heart beating, it was a bit unsteady but strong.  
  
Just like the man in front of her.  
  
Buffy instantly reached for her phone and called the number.  
  
-  
  
Buffy hated the hospital.  
  
Too many times had she been here in her short life, either as a patient or a visitor.  
  
Everybody was here.  
  
Everybody was hoping.  
  
All Buffy could see was the blood, there was so much of it.  
  
How could anyone be okay after losing that much blood?  
  
How could they still be alive?  
  
Buffy didn't like those thoughts but try as she might she couldn't push them away. They had been there from the very first moment she saw his pale white skin and his dark matted hair stuck to the floor surrounded by blood.  
  
She had reacted quickly once she had heard his heart, the most wonderful sound she had ever heard in her life bar none.  
  
The ambulance was quick and her friends even quicker.  
  
Willow sat at her side, clutching to Tara's arm like a life preserver but maybe she was the only thing keeping her a float.  
  
Dawn was hugging Giles's side, in an almost sleep filled state. Her thoughts clear in her eyes.  
  
She couldn't lose him.  
  
Not after mom.  
  
Not after that.  
  
Buffy looked at Giles and his alert eyes and she felt a sense of comfort from them.  
  
Giles was strong, as he was supposed to be.  
  
He was strong for his children, his friends and for the young man that lay in theatre somewhere in the hospital. He could console himself later, with a very stiff drink or five.  
  
For now he would do his job.  
  
Buffy clutched the chair so tightly she was afraid the arm would come off in her hand if she let go, but she had no plan to let go.  
  
Not until she knew.  
  
One way......  
  
Things better left unsaid.  
  
Things better left unthought-of.  
  
People rushed through the wards, tending to the sick or visiting loved ones.  
  
The world went on as Buffy's world came to an almost stand still. She could hear the footsteps before she saw the man, footsteps with a purpose.  
  
Looking at his face as he rounded the corner, she knew he was here to see them.  
  
To tell them.  
  
Tell her.  
  
Buffy admitted to herself she couldn't judge this man on his facial expressions, he was good at what he did.  
  
Whether that was in Buffy's favour or not was as of yet undiscovered.  
  
"Miss.. Buffy Summers"  
  
She almost jumped from her seat; she stood right in front of him her heart pounding in her chest.  
  
"Yes..."  
  
Was that her voice?  
  
It sounded so small and fragile.  
  
"Mr Alexander Harris has lost a lot of blood, but the good news is that his type is very common and we have prepared and initiated transfusions..." The man seemed to pause for a moment and look around "I'm assuming you are very close to the individual as you were the person to bring him in"  
  
"Yes"  
  
No hesitation.  
  
"Well I need to, despite the rules of the medical profession, discuss with you something in private..." He outstretched his arm to an office "can we speak please"  
  
"Sure..." Buffy replied.  
  
-  
  
The blinding white light didn't help the searing pain in his skull, where were the painkillers when you needed them.  
  
Xander expected to see the ceiling of his rather dull looking bathroom but instead he was staring at the dull ceiling of a hospital room instead. To tell the two apart would take an expert.  
  
Instinctively he looked down at his wrist and noticed the expertly done bandaging job, something to say for the touch of a professional compared with his less than stellar efforts as of late.  
  
Waking up in this predicament he knew that he would have to answer a lot of questions, ones that he himself was unsure of the answers to.  
  
Why was their tension in the group whenever he was there?  
  
Why did he not tell them of his injury or the many other injuries he had been treated for in the past?  
  
They could wait for a while. First he needed to regain his sight properly and be able to focus.  
  
He felt like death, pardon the pun.  
  
Still  
  
Maybe this was what he needed.  
  
Xander knew he'd been relying too much on his own first aid skills and the painkillers for the last month. It was something he was finding very difficult to stop.  
  
Finally the room had stopped spinning.  
  
The first face he saw as his focus was regained was a pretty nurse as she adjusted something on a machine at his side.  
  
"Morning sleepyhead..."  
  
He could only muster a grunt and slight nod as a reply and she smiled and vanished out of the room.  
  
The doctor was next.  
  
A young bloke that had eyes Xander could easily recognise. The doctor had eyes that had seen too much for the person's age.  
  
Xander saw the same eyes stare back from the mirror each morning.  
  
"Mr Harris... You're awake"  
  
"I am..."  
  
A reply at least  
  
"You have many friends; they haven't left the hospital since your admittance. I'm extremely sorry but I had to divulge some information to one of your friends, the one that brought you in. Buffy Summers"  
  
"Information?"  
  
Xander croaked out already knowing the answer.  
  
"Well Mr Harris we had to know the lifestyle you lead, one that made you indulge in the use of many times the recommended dose of painkillers and could have, if unchecked, lead to severe problems...." The man smiled slightly "I'm hoping they can assist you in your rehabilitation"  
  
Rehabilitation?  
  
It wasn't that bad, was it?  
  
Sure Xander knew he needed a few to take the edge off, but was he addicted.  
  
Did he need them?  
  
Only one reply could truly be the answer.  
  
Xander had always been trying so hard not to be like his dad, not to be dependent on anything alcoholic that he never saw this one coming.  
  
Never in a million years.  
  
He had visitors.  
  
He hugged and consoled Willow and promised to talk with her when he was released from the hospitals care. He talked to Dawn and promised her a big twinkie eating contest in the near future. He told Giles that he would build that book case he had promised sometime very soon.  
  
Then after them lot.  
  
There she was.  
  
It was like that very first day all over again, her hair shining brightly in the light coming from behind her.  
  
Xander almost took a deep breath.  
  
Almost  
  
Before he knew it he had her hugged to his chest and for the first time in many years, he saw Buffy Summers cry.  
  
She was crying for him and he didn't have the answers.  
  
He didn't need any; he just needed to hug her.  
  
Everything else would work itself out.  
  
-  
  
There are perfect moments in life. Moments when everything is so clear. Moments that are so vivid that you know your path from start to finish. These are moments of Clarity.  
  
-  
  
That as they say is the end.  
  
Am I mean?  
  
Did you like it?  
  
I meant to leave it where it is, I thought it worked pretty well even if it answers nothing :)  
  
Should I do a sequel revealing all?  
  
Should I do a part to any of my other stories? 


	2. Friendship

Friendship -  
  
The sequel to 'Clarity' in the "Searching For" Series  
  
So I lied when I said it was a one piece, sue me... I don't have any money but you can have my pog collection.  
  
This fanfic is based on Buffy the Vampire slayer created by Joss Whedon and Fox Entertainment.  
  
By Michael Dunbar  
  
-  
  
Xander never realised how much he had depended on them small pathetic capsules to dull his pain, emotional or physical it didn't seem to matter. He had always reached for that small bottle just to get through one more hour of the day.  
  
He'd escaped the clutches of the hospital not 2 days ago and was now in the confines of Buffy's room.  
  
Mrs Summers had demanded that he stay at her house if only for the support of others through the difficult period of his rehabilitation. He was given the number for many support groups and the local shrink either of which he didn't plan to visit anytime soon.  
  
He could get through this with the help of his friends.  
  
Not one of them had mentioned the pills, but it was sure to come out eventually and then so would the answers.  
  
The answers he himself had only really just discovered recently through many hours of thinking in his time in the hospital. He knew the many reasons that things turned out the way they did and for once he had no inclination to keep quiet.  
  
He would tell them.  
  
After all, they deserved it.  
  
Buffy's room was bare now. All of her stuff either in the spare room or at the dorm where she lived.  
  
They'd all moved on so much in such a short time. Just a few months ago Xander could remember nights spent in Buffy's room watching Bollywood movies and doing the English voice over to make the girls laugh.  
  
That was just a few months ago.  
  
That's all it was.  
  
Despite the last few weeks he couldn't help but smile at the memories, both good and bad.  
  
Joyce could be heard tinkering down stairs. It must have been a while since the last time she could fuss over somebody who needed it and to Xander she actually looked like she was enjoying the company.  
  
Xander scratched at his arm where the needle had been inserted and winced; even now he could feel the need to dull even the little aches with the simple twist of a bottle cap and the swallowing of two small capsules, which would lead to four and then probably even more.  
  
It would probably never go away.  
  
Xander knew that all too well.  
  
He still felt the sting of the backhand on his seventh birthday or the smack of the belt buckle as it struck his bare legs in his early teens and the sting of the split lip when he was fifteen, every pain ever inflicted by that man would forever be etched into Xander's memory.  
  
But for once, for one small moment Xander could rationalise his behaviour and that almost made Xander sick to the stomach.  
  
Backhanding a seven year old could never be rationalised.  
  
Punching your son for not cleaning his room could never and should never be defended.  
  
But Xander did understand the weakness that his father had, the weakness that he could never to this day overcome. He just hoped that weakness of will didn't run in the family.  
  
Before he could go any deeper into his thoughts, thankfully, the door hitched slightly before Joyce stepped into the room, a tray in hand.  
  
"Morning hon" Her smile was wide as she stepped around the bed and placed the tray in his lap "Breakfast is served..."  
  
"You must have read my mind Mrs S... Joyce" He smiled for her benefit before his stomach growled "Or my stomach"  
  
She laughed and swatted his arm "No doubt my daughter will be paying a visit shortly but I have to go to the museum, so I'll see you later. Remember this is your home while you're staying here, relax"  
  
Smiling again for her benefit he nodded and watched as she left the room. A few minutes later the car could be heard pulling from the drive and onto the main road and she was gone.  
  
He looked at the food on the tray, he was hungry but he just didn't want to eat he couldn't face it. Xander placed the tray down at his side and groaned slightly, his wrist still hurting whenever pressure was applied.  
  
Been so close to death wasn't as altering an experience as Xander had hoped for, he could say that at least. All he remembered was the darkness, the feeling of been completely alone in a black void.  
  
Maybe that was his blood hungry brain making up illusions as he got close to death.  
  
Maybe  
  
Xander couldn't face sitting in the bed a moment longer, he'd been there since they brought him from the hospital and he'd just about enough of lying around even if he was in pain and encountering withdrawal symptoms.  
  
His first visit was the bathroom, he didn't intend to look for any painkillers but he ended up opening the cabinet despite that.  
  
It was empty, completely so.  
  
He had to smile, he knew it would be.  
  
Washing his face he stared at the cold eyes of the person looking back in the mirror, the lonely eyes, the empty eyes and Xander couldn't help but wonder about a different life. One where he hadn't seen his friend die, one where he wasn't addicted to painkillers and one where he wasn't...  
  
Things better left unthought-of.  
  
He was wearing his pyjamas, they were too short and one leg was cut at the knee but it was the only pair he owned even if they were three years old. Xander knew that the last thing Joyce would want to see is him wandering around in his boxer's, although the fright it might give her would probably be funny to say the least.  
  
The face in the mirror tried a smile on for size; a smile used to come so easily to him.  
  
That was up until three weeks ago.  
  
His next stop was the couch of the summer's residence, a couch like no other. One that was as nice to look at as it was as soft; he fell onto it backwards and sighed.  
  
Good times best forgotten.  
  
The past better left behind.  
  
Xander dazed for a while, slipping in and out of consciousness as his head lolled from side to side. The images he saw too scary to talk about and too recent to forget.  
  
He can't escape.  
  
A key in the lock brought him around and he turned his head to see Buffy enter the house with a few bags in hand and a smile on her face.  
  
Was he ever happier to see a face in his entire life?  
  
Probably not.  
  
"Xan... Your looking much better" her smile didn't reach her eyes, it hadn't since the hospital.  
  
She was a good friend, not perfect, but the best friend a person could possibly hope for. He knew she needed closure on the incident and the drugs but didn't want to push him too much and for that he was grateful but a small part of him just wanted to scream, just wanted to yell.  
  
That part of him wanted to be free of the nightmare he'd been living for the past month.  
  
He smiled  
  
"Yea, I feel it too... My muscles are all popeye like and everything"  
  
Buffy took a seat next to him and pulled the plastic bag up to her knee.  
  
"I have gifts..."  
  
Xander smacked his hands together gleefully "for me?"  
  
She laughed and handed him the bag.  
  
Inside was everything a growing Xander needed.  
  
The contents consisted of twinkies, Hoho's and the latest issue of spiderman.  
  
What more could he hope for?  
  
"Thanks..." He mumbled and she pulled his head to her shoulder.  
  
Ever since that first hug in the hospital they'd touched more, they hugged more.  
  
She deserved to know damnit.  
  
She deserved everything.  
  
He was scared, what if the truth scared her away.  
  
What if she no longer wanted to be in his life because of it?  
  
Could he cope with that?  
  
He had to tell her.  
  
"I... I killed a man"  
  
-  
  
A mumble into her shoulder but she heard it, as clear as she heard the birds chirping outside or the cat meowing 4 blocks away.  
  
She heard it loud and clear and yet she remained still and gently pulled his head back to look into his eyes. Into the eyes of her Xander, the eyes of the same Xander that had saved her and Willow's life on countless occasions. The same Xander had made countless jokes just to make them happier in their hour of need.  
  
They were the same eyes, dark brown but full of fear.  
  
Fear of her reaction.  
  
She didn't know the truth, maybe he did believe he killed a man but she knew that Xander wasn't capable of it.  
  
Her yes Giles probably But Xander  
  
Xander was probably the most sensitive and gentle person she knew and she was proud to say that.  
  
He was capable of most things, being heroic, being funny and being smart.  
  
But killing a man wasn't in his capabilities.  
  
Not the way Xander made it sound at least.  
  
Buffy couldn't do nothing but wait, wait for him to go on and hopefully shed some light on one of the most painful weeks of her life.  
  
- How to start?  
  
How to tell a friend you're a killer, a person that took somebody's life.  
  
How to tell somebody you love that you watched as the life vanished from a persons very eyes.  
  
Xander just picked the beginning, as all stories start.  
  
"It was three weeks, two days and nine hours ago. I was walking through the cemetery on my way home, I knew I shouldn't be there without you trouble always seems to follow me"  
  
Xander smiled half heartedly.  
  
"I was whistling as usual as I walked. When I heard a sound in the bushes and been the cautious person that I am I was headed in that general direction before I knew it. My legs pumping and my eyes searching for anything but I came up short until I heard a scream again... I came upon a family, cowering... a little boy on the floor with a girl holding him and a woman crying her eyes out... there was so much blood coming from him but it wasn't from his neck like I had thought... "  
  
Xander gulped as his throat suddenly went dry. He needed a drink but he'd be better telling the story while he still could.  
  
"There was a man there, the boy's father I think... He had a knife and I just reacted... I launched myself at him.. I have no idea what happened next, it was just a struggle and I felt a warm liquid... it was his blood and his eyes went wide... I watched Buffy, I saw the light vanish from his eyes and for a moment, one moment, I was actually happy about that. About killing another person..."  
  
Xander took a deep breath, his face filled with pain.  
  
"I don't remember much after that except for the family vouching for me, it was his father. The mother wouldn't allow custody so he resorted to this. What a bastard"  
  
Tears were falling now and Buffy moved her hands to catch every one but he blocked her and placed his hands in her own.  
  
"I deserve these tears. I can still see his face every time I close my eyes; I still hear his breathing slow... Every time I fall to sleep I see him there, the knife in his stomach. Then I see me, smiling at it all... Laughing at the kill and then I remember that feeling Buffy. That one piece of happiness at his death and that's my entire day."  
  
He looked at her intently, his eyes stained and his wrist aching as he just wanted to bury himself in the garden and let all the pain go away.  
  
"Everyday and it will never stop. I guess that's why I became so self destructive, I guess I wanted to end it through any means necessary but I didn't want to feel the pain either and that's when the little bottle came in. Wanting to end it but not wanting to feel the pain, I'm so useless"  
  
-  
  
Perhaps she understood his feelings more than anyone else possibly could, she knew the feeling of ending something's life whether it was good or not didn't matter.  
  
Sometimes at night she could still hear the screams of the many creatures she had ended, not through guilt but because of her own humanity reminding her of the things she never wanted to remember.  
  
Buffy found it hard to distinguish between being jovial at its death or because she had saved somebody else from death at the beginning of her slaying career, she later realised it was more the latter than it ever was the former.  
  
That was the same problem Xander was having.  
  
What could she say to make it better, to make him know she understood?  
  
Buffy realised there couldn't possibly be anything anyone could say to him at the moment to alleviate his guilt or his pain.  
  
Nothing in the entire world could make him happy just yet.  
  
But one day he'll get there and Buffy will be there right with him, helping him every step of the way.  
  
Over the last year Buffy had felt the friendship between her and Xander wane and weaken due to both sides. She could only hope that while helping him they could find the friendship they once had.  
  
A voice deep inside Buffy told her they could and possibly more. 


	3. Love

Love -  
  
The third episode in the "Searching For" Series  
  
This fanfic is based on Buffy the Vampire slayer created by Joss Whedon and Fox Entertainment.  
  
By Michael Dunbar  
  
-  
  
Times like this made Xander remember the feeling that the pills had given him, to hide from the pain but still been able to see it and understand it but it wouldn't affect him. The lack of restrictions that the pills had given him was amazing and Xander supposed that was how an addiction took such a hold on a person.  
  
Without pain a man can think he is invincible, but when they wore off he would feel so much worse and the pain would be so much stronger.  
  
The worst was behind Xander, of that he was sure.  
  
Nothing in his life had been quite like them first few weeks, wanting something so badly that he could easily get but making himself turn the other way was something he could have never been prepared for.  
  
Xander got through it with the help of his friends, without them he reasoned that his life would be nothing and he would be just a shell and still be taking chances with his life that he should never take.  
  
That nobody ever should.  
  
In his delusional state at the height of the pills he had reasoned to tell his friends of what he had done. But he was sure that if they had found out, that if they had discovered he was a killer that he would see disgust, hatred and anger from his friends and that was something he had been unprepared to see ever.  
  
It had taken him months but Xander only now just realised that at that time he had hated himself much more than any other person could. He also realised that the action he had taken, that had so easily took that mans life was in the end the correct one despite being a bit rash.  
  
An accident waiting to happen was all it was.  
  
If he hadn't have taken action that family would be dead, that child would have never received medical attention on time. That man, Xander held the bile rising up in his stomach, would have probably gotten away with his crime due to the fact that this was Sunnydale home of the big brewing evil.  
  
The one person that had made him realise this was the person he was currently thinking of, Buffy.  
  
He and Buffy had spent so much time together over the last five months and this allowed them to get to know each like they never had; they shared things they never had before.  
  
Secrets and fears, pains and fantasies  
  
The rest of his friends were brilliant, Willow was like a rock in the storm for Xander and was fully supporting. Giles was brilliant, he was the father figure Xander always wished he had had in his life. But Buffy, Buffy was slowly becoming his everything.  
  
This was why he suddenly remembered the feeling that the pills had given him, because only now was he beginning to see a remarkable resemblance between his feelings for Buffy and the way he needed the pills. She always left him wanting more, wanting to know more than he possibly could because she is that magnificent.  
  
That was the similarity but where the addiction changed was that he knew he could live without the pills, he was doing it. But to live without Buffy was like thinking of life without air.  
  
Incomprehensible  
  
He had no doubt he loved her, but it didn't matter just at this moment because he knew her more than any other person and that would always be good enough even if he never got to touch those lips. Xander would be what he had always been and that would be the best friend he possibly could.  
  
However, he couldn't help but hope.  
  
One day  
  
-  
  
How to tell him?  
  
Was it possible?  
  
It couldn't be so hard, could it?  
  
How to tell your best friend that you were head over heels in love with him?  
  
She sighed, for the tenth time in a few minutes.  
  
Buffy was such a mess and she couldn't believe it was over something that in the past had never bothered her. She had never been shy about her affections before to other men.  
  
So why him?  
  
Why did it bother her so much to tell him that she wanted more?  
  
That she wanted to see his hair and ruffle it as he woke up, she wanted to kiss his morning smile and she wanted to hold him through his nightmares.  
  
One more sigh, one more line of thought through her head.  
  
Fear of rejection?  
  
Buffy had never feared it before, so why now?  
  
Because it was him her mind told her.  
  
The one person in the entire world that knew everything about her that anyone possibly could, they were so close that if he did reject her and just want to be friends then how could she possibly live through it?  
  
Just being friends was wonderful Buffy knew that but for months she fantasised and fascinated over him and she simply wanted a little bit more.  
  
Was that wrong?  
  
"NO" her mind screamed out instantly.  
  
Buffy hugged Mr Gordo closer to herself and simply let her eyes wander to the pictures around her dorm room.  
  
There was one of her, Willow and Xander.  
  
There was one of her, Willow, Xander and Giles.  
  
Then there was simply just one of her and Xander and it made her heart skip a beat. Walking to her desk she picked the picture up and ran her fingers over it, over him and smiled at how happy he seemed to be.  
  
Something he had only recently been able to slightly regain.  
  
The light from her lamp was shining from the corner and provided just enough light for her to see his face.  
  
Before the incident, as Buffy liked to name it, she had never realised how beautiful of a person he truly was. How magnificent and strong he was and how courageous he could be under any circumstances. It took a life changing even for her to truly see him and now she wouldn't see him any other way.  
  
Buffy knew that she thought his friends were responsible for his success, that without them he would have never gotten through that time.  
  
She begged to differ, Buffy had never seen such determination in a person before and Buffy knew that she never would, he was unique plain and simply.  
  
There was no one like him in the world.  
  
Xander's success was his own, Buffy was there for the tears and his fears and for a few hugs but to her that was a friend's duty whether or not they were in rehab or not and it was nothing to her it was just something she should do.  
  
To see Xander get up every day with his will power in tact after nightmares upon nightmares and never head to the nearest chemist said a lot to her about him and the kind of person he was.  
  
A simply remarkable one  
  
Buffy was a slayer, a born fighter and she knew the demons she faced were sometimes tough but the worst ones were inside yourself and Xander would live with them the rest of his life. Always in a constant battle for his self control and to her that was more amazing than anything she fought.  
  
They had no secrets now; she had told him all of this and he had been embarrassed. It was just the way he was, taking praise seemed ridiculous to him because he never had received it before.  
  
Buffy put the picture back in its place and looked at the night sky out of her window. She was due a patrol anyway and would it be wrong to slip past her own mothers house to say hello, it was only fair. After all she hadn't been there in three whole hours.  
  
She held a giggle in and went for her weapons.  
  
Man did she have it bad.  
  
But she wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
-  
  
Xander had a job.  
  
A good job  
  
And for once, a well paying job.  
  
It kept his mind off things at least.  
  
Who'd have thought it?  
  
Xander Harris construction guy.  
  
Two weeks into the job and he was liking it, it kept his hands at work the whole time and he was starting to realise that he could get somewhere in this trade.  
  
He was actually good at something that could earn him money.  
  
Remarkable  
  
Staying put in Joyce's house wasn't what he had planned to do but he had just never moved out. Xander didn't really want to go back home and in some way he could see that Joyce didn't really want him to leave.  
  
She enjoyed the company.  
  
He had stayed and now, when he got his first pay cheque he could finally pay his way into the house.  
  
Will wonders never cease?  
  
Years of been told he wasn't good enough and that he would amount to nothing always lead Xander to believe that something would topple this house of cards he had built.  
  
It would be just his luck.  
  
Until that day arrived Xander decided that he would take this little bit of happiness in his life freely and not dwell on the unthinkable on the things that could possibly ruin this little piece of heaven.  
  
On the nights like tonight, when the moon was high in the sky and shining brightly down he found himself looking out of the window a lot when he wasn't patrolling. It made him wonder how so many people could be so blind to the world around them but then he realised that Sunnydale didn't have a patent on been ignorant.  
  
He has a child had been beat, he could say that freely now without any bile rising up in the pit of his stomach.  
  
Xander was unloved as a child.  
  
Yet no one, not one person had ever suspected it when he was a child.  
  
The school nurse had never said anything when she saw a cut, or a bruise or even a black eye. It was the way the world was, getting into other people's lives was something you didn't do no matter what was happening there.  
  
It disgusted him and that's why Xander guessed is why he couldn't ignore the dark when Buffy came into his life, simply because people had been doing it to him his entire life and he refused to be like them.  
  
He refused to be one of the ignorant and the blind.  
  
Xander was itching to patrol with her tonight but new he would be tired for work tomorrow so they had an agreement. Friday's and Saturday's were their days to patrol together and he couldn't wait all week.  
  
Looking at the calendar Xander noticed it was only Monday and couldn't help but laugh.  
  
Did he have it bad or what?  
  
Joyce walked into the living room with a couple of cups of cocoa and handed him one then took a seat on the couch and smiled warmly at him.  
  
"How was work?" She asked.  
  
It was nice to be asked that, it made him feel proud to be a working person and he smiled a big grin back at her.  
  
"Tiring but I like it, its fun and I think I'm doing quite well too... My boss said so anyways, says I'm a natural...."  
  
She smiled; it was nice to see him enjoying life again. Ever since that day when he moved in he had been working till he could be a person he could like again, she knew that all to well. Joyce finally realised that he was the person he wanted to be and that he was finally coming to terms with himself and his abilities.  
  
It made her motherly nature float to the surface.  
  
She was proud.  
  
A knock at the door disturbed her reach for the remote control and she smiled as Buffy entered.  
  
"Hey dear..."  
  
-  
  
Knocking...  
  
Why am I knocking at my own mother's door?  
  
Nerves... yea gotta be the nerves.  
  
As she walked in Buffy spotted the person of her thoughts sat in the chair nearest to the TV set and her mother was sat on the couch.  
  
"Hey dear..."  
  
What to do?  
  
What to say?  
  
"Hi..."  
  
What a squeaky voice. Xander smiled warmly her way and it just made the nerves rise up even higher, she wanted to kiss it off his face.  
  
That would come later, she hoped.  
  
"Buff... Are you alright?"  
  
Such affection, such caring.  
  
Buffy smiled warmly at him and nodded her head in the affirmative.  
  
"Yes, I just came around before patrol... Hmm Can I talk to you?"  
  
His eyes widened and Buffy saw a lot of emotions pass across his face but he nodded nonetheless and walked towards the kitchen with her in tow.  
  
This should be easy right.  
  
Easy as pie.  
  
Just tell him...  
  
Tell him...  
  
TELL HIM...  
  
-  
  
Oh god...  
  
Oh god...  
  
The mantra kept repeating itself within Xander's head.  
  
What had he done?  
  
He couldn't think of anything, nothing, zilch, nada, bupkiss and all other types of nothing.  
  
Xander knew them words were the bane of the English language, every person did. But especially so when they came from a person you cared about, they could mean the end of life as a person knew it.  
  
Oh god...  
  
Oh god...  
  
The kitchen seemed a million miles away but he reached it and leaned into the worktop, fidgeting but never looking her way.  
  
What could she want?  
  
-  
  
Buffy knew why he wasn't looking at her, fear.  
  
She was afraid too damnit, but she would do this and it would work out.  
  
It had to, right?  
  
"Xander... I... "  
  
Her voice was so squeaky or maybe it was her ears over compensating due to her nerves, she couldn't tell.  
  
"It's like this... Ermmm..."  
  
Her Palms were sweaty so she wiped them on her trousers and looked at him again and noticed he still wasn't looking her way. Buffy moved into his line of sight and smiled reassuringly and took a hold of his hand.  
  
"You know me more than anybody..." Buffy fidgeted and moved her other hand to his face to touch those cheeks just in case it was the last time she ever would "More than anyone should and I know you as well, right down to the core."  
  
-  
  
What was she saying?  
  
He was mesmerised by her eyes, they were so beautiful and so full of life and he couldn't tear himself away. Xander leaned into her hand as she caressed his face and smiled.  
  
"Down to the core... I've been thinking of you a lot lately..."  
  
A lot?  
  
How much, as much as he thought about her?  
  
Did she think about him before she went to bed and when she woke up?  
  
Did she dream of him, did she wonder if there was anyone as perfect as him in the entire world?  
  
Xander had it bad.  
  
He wouldn't have it any other way.  
  
"I guess... What I'm trying to say...  
  
-  
  
Nothing to hold back.  
  
Just say it...  
  
Say it....  
  
SAY IT...  
  
"Can I have you?"  
  
Oh GOD!!! 


End file.
